Courtney’s Guide to Hostels, or How I Became an Asshole About Lodging.

I like hostels. People think I’m weird. I think they’re jerks. And so on and so forth. I wanted to take a moment and make my pitch for the hostel life because I have to say that my willingness to give them a try and low and behold, my actual love for them, has thoroughly enriched my life.

Here’s the bottom line, kids: hostels make my international travel doable. How many times have you found a really cheap air fare to some far off place you’ve always wanted to visit, only to realize you have no friends and family in that city and a quick browse of available hotels means you’re going to paying more for the hotel than you did for your flight. You close your internet browser, shut off your computer, put your head down and cry tears of regret and self-loathing. This is not the way to live, people.

For me, I’ll always entertain the idea of traveling to Europe or Australia because I know that I’ll be able to find lodging at around $20 a night. TWENTY DOLLARS A NIGHT, FOLKS. A shitty hotel on the outskirts of London will cost you $100 at least, yet here’s a place that’s offering to give you a bed, a shower, and possibly some booze for a fifth of that cost and it’s RIGHT IN CENTRAL LONDON. Put differently, I can stay in London for five days at a hostel for the cost of one night in a hotel. HOW ARE WE FIGHTING THIS??? I’m sorry for the all caps but I feel like yelling is my only option here. It’s a no brainer, and to the extent it’s the cost of traveling that’s keeping your butt in your office chair you’re being absolutely dumb. Yes, that’s the technical word for it. Dumb.

Let me deal with the complaints and criticisms of the hostel life. I know you’re thinking them. Just be honest.

• I don’t want to share a room with strangers: Well I don’t either, dude, but for $20 bucks a night I’m more than willing to whore my freedom and privacy out if it means I get to visit Sydney, Rome, or Berlin. Look, is it weird to sleep in a room with 3-7 other people that you’ve never met and you probably won’t say a word to other than “Did you need the bathroom first?” or “Do you mind if I turn off the light?” Yes, it might take some getting used to.

The first hostel I stayed at was the YHA Hostel in Perth, Australia a couple of years ago. I booked a four bed all female room and here were my roommates for the week: An 80 year old woman who couldn’t speak a word of English (I think she was Polish?), who went to tour the city during the day, laid in bed to read her book during the evenings, was asleep by 9pm, and demanded that we left the window open because she had breathing or asthma issues. Ok, fine, sure. She was really nice though and by the end of the week she finally started talking to me and it turns out her husband had died the previous year and she was only now getting the chance to travel to all the places she wanted to go. She was very sweet and the only impact she had in our lives was that we felt like we had to be reaaaaaally quiet so as to not wake her.

Roomate No. 2: A young Irish woman, by way of Zimbabwe, who had come to Australia in hopes of finding a job. She was a construction engineer, which kind of blew me away, and she had some leads on a job in Perth so she was crashing at the hostel to save money. We chatted for about 20 minutes a day, but otherwise she was in bed by 11pm every night.

Roommate No. 3: Ok, it was kind of a revolving door. What you learn quickly when you stay in hostels is that as much fun as you have talking with someone — and given the situation everyone feels free to talk about everything — you have to accept the possibility that when you wake in the morning they’ll be gone. It’s basically a one-night stand without the sex. More a one-night sleepover, if you will. So we had this awesome German girl one night, a really cool French girl who was starting a job as a stewardess for Emirates Airlines in a month and wanted to backpack across Australia before then, a super quiet Asian girl who kept looking at me expecting to talk which basically meant I purposely ignored her (I do not respond to pandering), and so on.

My point is this: Yes, they are strangers. But if you take the time to find the hostel that best suits you, chances are the other folks that chose that hostel are going to be like-minded. Personally, I actively avoid the party-hostels, the ones that brag about their social facilities and encourage people to hang out and meet and get drunk together. NO THANK YOU. Instead I search out for the hostels that might be a little further from the city center, in quiet neighborhoods, that don’t seem to cater to the college crowd. I’m pretty sure that’s a big reason I’ve never had a drunk girl throw up on me in my sleep. Besides, the stranger thing can be fun.

If you read this blog then you probably know me. That means you know I hate talking to people. But some of the best conversations I’ve had in my life are with complete strangers. Again, in Australia, I was in a really, admittedly, crappy hostel in Melbourne. It was pouring and absolute monsoon outside which meant it was so hot and humid inside, where there was no air conditioning. Knowing I was rained in for the night, I ran across the street and bought a bunch of beer, wine, and liquor, and brought it back to the room with the intention of drinking it all myself so I could fall asleep and not think about the sticky conditions. When I returned to my room all four of my roommates had returned from their daily excursions. After we all got to talking I offered them some of my stash and we all ended up sitting in our room chatting for the next four hours. We all made fun of each other’s accents (it was a room of Dutch, German, English, and American), talked culture-clashes, favorite travel stories, etc. It was a lot of fun and one of those moments that the universe conspires to create for you. Avoid them and you’re shutting off a whole world of possibility. Some only focus on the negative possibilities. Hostels have opened up my eyes to the positive ones.

• I’m afraid my stuff will get stolen: I have stayed at over 15 hostels all over the world and I’ve never had anything stolen. That said, it’s still always something on my mind — I’m usually gadgeted up during my trips, with BB, iPod, tablet, laptop, and camera — but that’s probably why I’ve never had anything stolen. Shit, the only time I ever had anything stolen on any of my international trips in Melbourne, when my cardigan got stolen INSIDE the press room at the Australian Open. Sup with that?

Generally speaking, a hostel will provide a locker of some sort. Whether that locker can fit all your luggage or just a shoebox is really a roll of the dice. I’ve always found that the hostels are pretty upfront about the security they provide in their self descriptions on HostelWorld (which incidentally is my hostel site of choice). I’ve been in hostels in Paris where all your luggage can go in a steel cage under your bed that you can lock, and I’ve been in hostels in Birmingham, England where I’m sleeping with all my valuables in a backpack next to me. It really depends.

But here’s my common sense approach to it. First, don’t bring any gadgets that you don’t absolutely need. Since I am generally travelling for work I actually do need all my crap. But you’re on a four week backpacking trip through Europe you really don’t need your laptop. If you have an iPhone, for example, y ou can access Facebook, Twitter, and email via WiFi when you have it. Second, if it’s important then keep it on you. If I can’t lock up my laptop then it’s coming with me throughout the day in my backpack while I go sightseeing. Passport? I ain’t trusting no janky locker. That’s on me too. At night, if I can’t lock all this up then I put it all in my backpack — packing it when the room is empty or out in the hallway when no one is looking — and I sleep with it. If I’m feeling particularly paranoid, I’ll wrap my arm through one of the straps to make sure if someone tries to tug at it I’ll wake up. This is me at my paranoid best. My father taught me well.

But for the most part, security doesn’t concern me. I’ve never been in a hostel where the doors didn’t lock or where after 11pm at night the front door to the hostel didn’t require a key or some sort of buzz-in mechanism. Well, the women’s hostel I always stay at in Rome doesn’t have locks on the rooms but it’s a women’s only hostel. I’m not all that concerned about what’s going to happen there.

• The showers are dirty: Yeah, sometimes. I mean, not so dirty that you can’t shower in them, though (Hello! The water is clean). Just treat it like the college dorms. Always bring flip flops, run the hot water before you get in, and don’t linger. Seriously, does anyone really need more than five minutes to get clean? If so I don’t want to ask what you’re doing in there. Besides let’s stop and talk perspective. Seriously? The possibility of a less than sparkling shower is keeping you from taking the plunge and seeing the world? I have never been happier sitting on a sidewalk drinking coffee than I have been at the amazing coffee shops in Melbourne. I’ve never eaten past in the States that is anything close to being as good as the shittiest past in Rome. And as much as I fucking hate Paris, there’s something undeniably charming about walking along the Seine after midnight, when Paris is actually quiet, the streets are shiny from the rain, and you get lost yet somehow stumble up on the Louvre. If a dirty shower is keeping you away from these experiences it’s time to rethink some things.

• I need my beauty sleep and hostels are loud: First of all, if you use phrases like “I need my beauty sleep” you should stop. It’s obnoxious. Yes, hostels can be loud. You can mitigate this by choosing hostels that aren’t known to be loud. Read the reviews and get a sense as to what you’re getting into. Following that rule has pretty much guaranteed that I’ve never booked a hostel that I would consider “loud”. That said, sometimes shit happens. My favorite is when you get stuck in a room with a snorer. But hey, that’s what Steve Jobs invented iPods for. Pop in your tunes and drift to sleep. What’s the big deal here? Besides, the noise can be pretty entertaining. One time in Hobart I was trying to fall asleep and all I could hear was some drunk of her ass girl from Alabama slurring her way through a conversation with three Aussies, who clearly were making fun of her idiocy the whole time. That was a funnier show to fall asleep to than Seinfeld.

• Bed bugs. OH MY GOD THE BED BUGS: Are bed bugs gross? Yes. Is the problem cured with a bit of laundry, a hot shower, and yelling at the hostel attendant? Yes. I have never had bed bugs. Again, do your research and be smart about where you book. READ THE REVIEWS.

With that, here are my tips on how to make sure you have a good time at a hostel:

• Book responsibly: If you use a site like HostelWorld or HostelBookers, read the hostel’s description and then go immediately to the reviews. What good is the hostel’s promise of free WiFi if every recent review says the router is broken? If there are bed bug complaints trust me, you’ll see them in the reviews. Everything from cleanliness, noise, and staff gets reviewed here so pay attention. And make sure you sort the reviews by date. Just because a hostel had issues 6 months ago doesn’t mean it still does.

• Don’t book near train stations: The cheapest, most popular hostels are almost always near the central train stations. If your goal on your travels is to make immediate friends with people and party your ass off, stay at these hostels. They’re very social and tend to be young and vibrant. Me? Not so much. I look for hostels that are away from the city centre but either walkable back to the area or near public transport that will get me there. My rationale is simple: they’re generally smaller, which means they’re quieter, and the people who choose to stay there are like-minded in their pursuit of a quiet place to lay their head. The minute a hostel says it’s about parties and socializing I skip it. Meet people at bars. Not at the place you’re sleeping.

• Stress security in major cities: If I’m staying at a hostel in Hobart, Birmingham, or Strasbourg, I’m honestly not too worried about security issues. They’re small towns and I just don’t think anyone is going to be sneaking in my room and stealing stuff. But if I’m staying in London, Paris, or Rome, and I’m staying at a hostel that’s not in a particularly nice part of town (read: every hostel in the world), then security is very much on my mind. Check for lockers, both large and small, whether in-room or lockable ones in the hallway. Make sure the rooms are locked and that front door access into the hostel is restricted during the day and especially at night. And ladies, if you can you should book an all-female dorm whenever you can. And as I said above: If it’s important to you keep it on you.

• Beware the hostel with a bar: You’re basically asking to sleep in a room of drunk people. I’m not saying don’t do it, but just be mindful when you do. Two of my favorite hostels in Europe have raging bars downstairs (that’s how they make money). Generally speaking, hostels with bars are pretty nice. Just…yeah. Be aware of the drunks is all.

• Public transportation is boss: When choosing a hostel, balance the need to be away from the main hubs with being able to get to them. If you can find a hostel that’s a few metro/tram stops from where you want to be then you’re golden.

With that, here are some of my favorite hostels. These aren’t just serviceable ones. These are places I actually look forward to staying at every year.

• Orsa Maggiore (Rome, Italy): Generally speaking, Rome hostels are shitty. They’re all located near the train station (Termini), in crowded tourist areas where petty crime can be rampant. That’s why I’m sooooooo thankful I found Orsa Maggiore. This is a super clean all-women’s hostel situated in Trastevere, which is one of the best neighborhoods for food, drink, and hanging out. It kinda feels like you’re in a convent, but the rooms are MASSIVE, it’s super quiet, and there’s a really nice garden courtyard below with a restaurant and cafe attached. The 2am curfew kinda sucks, but it’s worth it for the security you feel when you stay here.

• St. Christopher’s Hammersmith (London, UK): You know all those tips I just spent thousands of words outlining? Yeah, this is me throwing them out the window. This hostel has a raging bar downstairs, the bathrooms can be suspect, and the women’s-only dorms are on the top floor with no lift, which means you have to haul all you stuff up four flights of narrow and curving stairs. I’m not going to lie, it’s a pain in the ass. But St. Christopher’s offers three thing that make it worth it. It’s right across the street from the Hammersmith tube stop, which means it’s very easy to get anywhere you need to go. It’s wi-fi is reliable and you can just chill in the bar all day and suck the broadband right out of that place. And last, they offer pretty inexpensive meals and drinks, which is boon in London.

• Hatters Hostel (Bimingham, UK): It’s hard to put a finger on why I love Hatters so much, but I do. It’s all the good stuff you think of when you think of a hostel: small, cozy, and run by a crew of really nice and not at all creepy Irish guys. The big selling point of Hattesr is that they have en suite bathrooms, so no running around the halls in your bathrobe. Plus they offer 24 hour free coffee, tea, and toasts. You’ll be surprised as to how awesome this is. It can save you $20 a day easily. Plus they have a full kitchen, so if you’re staying for a week you can run down to Tescos and load up on groceries to cook your own breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Again, considering the food options in the UK, this is very helpful.

• Second Home Hostel (Istanbul, Turkey): I’m actually typing this at Second Home right now. The hostel is a few hundred meters from the Sirkeci train station, which means you’re walking distance to everything you’d want to see in the old-town part of the city. Very clean rooms and bathrooms, friendly staff who speak solid English, and free and reliable wi-fi. I paid about $40 for a single room, which is a steal.

So there you go. That’s my rant on hostels. Hope it’s helpful.